For some, the holidays bring traditions, excitement, sparkles, and unbridled joy. But for those navigating life after a significant loss, the twinkling lights can feel glaring, and the celebrations can feel hollow.
Grieving on holidays is a profoundly challenging experience. When everyone around you seems to be in harmony with the joy of the season, it can feel isolating if you’re struggling. If you are dreading the upcoming weeks, know that your reaction is normal and deeply human.
Here’s some tips to navigate this season of loss and love:
Types of Grief
The holidays act as a magnifying glass for what is missing, and different types of loss bring unique challenges.
- Grief when a parent dies. Parents are often the architects of our holiday memories—the ones who cooked the specific recipes, hung the lights, or organized the gatherings. When they are gone, adult children often feel a sense of disorientation, as if the anchor of the family ship has been lost.
- The first Christmas after the death of a spouse or partner. This specific loneliness can be physical and overwhelming. The absence of the person with whom you shared the wrapping, the cooking, and the quiet moments by the tree is devastating. You may find that social gatherings highlight your “singleness” in a painful way, or that the silence in your home after the guests leave is deafening.
- Grief for a friend is a profound pain that is often disenfranchised by society. Because they weren’t blood relatives, the depth of this loss can be overlooked by others. Yet, friends are often the family we choose, and their absence at annual parties or text threads can make the festive season feel painful.
No matter your relationship with the person you lost, the core truth remains the same: someone you love deeply is not here to experience these things with you anymore. And that hurts, stings, and is unfair. Plain and simple.
The Emotional Cocktail: Guilt, Anxiety, and Depression
Navigating the holidays after losing a loved one isn’t just about battling sadness; it’s a complex cocktail of conflicting emotions. The grief experience often includes (opens in a new tab) separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past, and nerves about the future.
During the holidays, it’s very common to experience the following emotions along with grief:
- Grief and guilt. You might catch yourself laughing at a movie or enjoying a meal, only to immediately feel a pang of guilt, as if your joy betrays their memory. Conversely, you might feel guilty for not having enough holiday spirit to support surviving family members or children, feeling like you are “ruining” their day.
- Grieving and anxiety. The anticipation of the holiday is often worse than the day itself. You may worry about breaking down in public, about awkward conversations where people avoid saying the deceased person’s name, or simply about having the energy to get through the day.
- Grieving and depression. The contrast between the external world’s brightness and your internal world’s darkness can result in a desire to withdraw completely, leading to isolation that only fuels the depression further.
Take a look at ACP’s specialized grief and depression therapy offerings.
Strategies for Survival and Healing
While there is no magic fix, there are several strategies to protect your heart this season.
- Rewrite the Rules. You do not have to force yourself to maintain every tradition. If the old rituals are too painful, modify them or skip them entirely this year. You are not obligated to host the big dinner if you don’t have the energy.
- The “Plan A and Plan B” Strategy. To manage grieving and anxiety, give yourself an “out.” If you accept an invitation to a party, drive your own car so you can leave if it becomes too much. Tell your host in advance, “I’m going to try to come, but I might need to leave early if I’m not feeling up to it.” Having an escape plan can actually lower your anxiety enough to allow you to attend. Here’s some tips on how to heal a dysregulated nervous system if you become overstimulated at an event or party.
- Prioritizing Physical Basics. Grief is physically exhausting. It compromises your immune system and drains your energy reserves. During the hustle of the holidays, it is easy to neglect sleep and nutrition. Be mindful of alcohol consumption; while a holiday drink is common, alcohol is a depressant that can exacerbate feelings of sadness and anxiety. Mindfulness, meditation and exercise can also help prioritize your physical health this season.
- Allow for Joy. Finally, try to release the grief and guilt. Experiencing moments of happiness does not mean you have forgotten your loved one or that you aren’t grieving. It simply means you are alive. It is possible to hold space for both deep sorrow and small joys simultaneously.
Sharing is Caring
Be gentle with yourself this season. The goal is simply to get through these weeks with as much self-compassion as possible, accepting whatever emotions arise.
Grief is an experience we will all face as humans. It’s the price of loving someone. But that doesn’t soften the blow.
As difficult as it is, the most helpful way to get over our grief is to share it. Talking to someone (opens in a new tab)about what you’re experiencing and also having a safe place to share memories of your loved one, is instrumental to healing.
Associated Clinic of Psychology has compassionate experts that are here to guide you through these painful life transitions and to help you experience greater healing, peace and clarity.
Schedule an Appointment today– we have immediate openings available to help you through this season, and all seasons.
